I miss……

I miss being a Mum!

I’m still very much a mum, you never stop being a mum. But I miss the part of being a mum where your family is still living with you. The part that is​ often the hardest when you are a single mum. But so beautiful as well. Probably more so when looking back :-). A bit like childbirth. You forget the horror and pain as soon as you see your baby’s face.

My firstborn took 3 long days to arrive. She was due on 20th June and she arrived on 20th June , but started her struggle​ to enter the world on the 17th June. Not sure if waiting to arrive on the due date was me being stubborn or her! Lots of pain, lots of stress. Too much to write about here without starting a bigger than the bible novel. But enough to say, when I finally saw her little red face and jet black eyes staring sleepily up at me from my bare chest, an enormous​ love came over me.  I had never ever experienced such a strong emotion.  It was different to way I loved her dad. Obviously, as him and I are now long divorced, but my love for my baby has never ever stopped. And never will. Even writing about it now has me in tears and the letters on my screen are blurring…………

But back to forgetting the bad and only remember​ing the good. You so do that in life. I was ready to have a second baby as soon as I saw my first born’s face. And I did. But not straight away. Took me a couple of years and I was pregnant again. Another beautiful time. Lots of the usual morning sickness and being “fat”. But surprisingly my pregnancy also resulted in the sexiest emotions. Kind of funny as you really do not need to be sexy purely from a biological point of view. You have already attracted a mate and are with a baby. But I did. Super sexy. Perhaps sexy comes from being content. It is the one time in our female lives we can be a little cuddly and not have to worry about it. In fact, ​we can embrace looking womanly. Should be more of it in our society if you ask me.

My second baby, another beautiful girl, produced exactly the same emotions. I wanted more. Seconds after giving birth I was ready to go for another twelve! Well, perhaps another two, but the euphoria really does make you reach for the stars. She was an easy birth, only a few hours. My body and I knew what to do.

But the enthusiasm for another little one didn’t go any further. A crumbling marriage put a stop to that. Divorced their father when my second girl was only 5. Of course we didn’t go one day from being in love to out of love. It was gradual. We had many good years, but also many soul destroying times. But he did give me 2 beautiful daughters that I love more than anything on this earth. More than myself. Not saying I don’t love myself. But I would give up my life if it meant they would live. The protective motherhood feelings are indeed as strong as the superglue. Ever binding.

Of course my girls are not angels. But I love them for who they are. I love how they have now grown up into  beautiful, caring , smart and independent young women. I am so proud my heart could burst sometimes. And I am proud of my achievements as a mum. My stumbling, fumbling attempts at doing the right thing as a parent, has somehow worked. They survived with me as their mum!

I may not always have liked their actions as little human beings. Mostly when they were teenagers. Oh boy was that a fun time! The constant worry that they were ok. The many fights about rights and what you can do at 15 when you truly believe you are 25! The new experimental times with boys and drugs. Boys, I can deal with. Drugs was a new territory for me. Yes, alcohol I knew about from my own teenage years. But drugs I never did myself apart from a few attempts with marijuana. A huge learning curve for me that sometimes came too late. Still we survived it.

But every struggle and challenge through those years, not only made what they are today, it also shaped me. I think I was probably a bit more tense and naïve. I have mellowed through it all and become more accepting. Don’t get me wrong, I still worry. Sometimes about stupid little things that I really shouldn’t worry about. But I’m much better than I used to be. Being a single mum was hard as I didn’t have another person to lean on or to take charge when I was beat. It was always me alone, both mother and father. It was a struggle, but a struggle I’m glad I had.

I miss all that. I miss having my family here living with me. Warts and all. Our love is as strong as ever, but these days it’s from afar. We no longer enjoy the daily interactions. I do miss having someone to care for, to have someone need me. I miss being a mum. Of course I am not wallowing in self pity. I am happy they are now young adults as it has given me a lot more ME time. Time to pursue my passions in writing and photography and time with friends. So there are positives in everything.

I will forever be grateful to my girls for providing me with a rich life and a chance to experience motherhood. They are indeed my biggest achievement in life.